Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Loving me

 Dear Brian,

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Today, I was at our old house. The house that is now rented out to a wonderfully gracious family from Japan that has absolutely no clue whatsoever about taking care of a yard. I pulled weeds. And then I pulled some more weeds. After that, I pulled some more weeds. Then I began to hack at some weeds. Then I tugged at some deeply rooted thorny weeds. Later, I told my father in law to whack those puppies with the trimmer and douse em with chemicals!

While I was in the midst of weed pulling bliss, my old neighbor came out. Connie and I began to share in some pleasantries and then get to the meat of what is going on in my life. The injustice of divorcing a man that is incapable of compromise, yet totally capable of manipulation and outright lies. The horrific process of moving my children for the third time in a year due to my own inability to see him for who he really was. The bitterness my children are feeling towards me and towards Bill for having to move from their friends and their neighborhood since he refused despite the fact that we had lived there for their whole lives and Bill had lived for less than a year. The sadness Connie feels as a neighbor who simply misses me and my boys' smiling faces. The regret she feels for us as all anyone wanted for us who had been through such hell in the last several years was to have us HAPPY. And how we were... for a while.

Then she shared a story with me -

A few years ago at a school function of the children - you were sitting in the front row on the bleachers where you were capable of sitting when you could no longer maneuver stairs. I was on the floor taking pictures or videoing or something along those lines. She said, she looked at you and you were smiling and just gazing at me as I unknowingly went about my business. She saw what you were looking at and said, "She's quite a gal there, isn't she?"

You didn't stop your gaze and said, "Yup, she sure is."

Connie tapped your leg and said, "She's gonna be just fine, Brian. She's a strong woman."

You looked at her and said, "Yes, she is. I know she is."

And I remembered. YOU LOVED ME. You loved me for ME. I didn't have to be someone I am not. I didn't walk on eggshells. You didn't try to control me. You loved me for all I am. You accepted me as I am.

So as I want to thank you for loving me for the way you loved me. I want to thank you for showing me what true love is. I want to thank you for accepting me as I am. I want to thank you for making me a better person because of your love for me. Thank you.

I needed today, more than ever to know that I am lovable. To know that unconditional love exists.

Because if what I experienced over the last year is all I knew of love. And all my children and I are experiencing now at the hands of someone who claimed to love us was all I knew of marriage.

I would give up.

Thank you, Connie, for the reminder that there is real love. That there is truthful love. That i am worthy of it.

Thank you, Brian, for personifying it.

And I am gonna be just fine. We all will be.

Love,
Angie

9 comments:

  1. yes, sweet angie, you will not give up!

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  2. I had no idea you were going through all that. Yes, walking on eggshells is no way to live; and give yourself credit, it only took you a year to figure that out. Some people stick around much longer.

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  3. Hugs, sweetie! You have been through so much but it WILL get better and yes, Brian loved you for you and that is what true love is. Hopefully you will find it again, but if not, at least you had it once!

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  4. That just sucks.
    Many, many hugs.
    Someone once told me, in tones of heavy judgement, that my child NEEDED her dad, how could I think of divorcing him.
    I told her, first of all, to mind her own business (with a couple of cuss-words, too) and that NO, my child needed a GOOD dad, and that I knew from personal experience that no dad was better than a bad dad, and informed her that my child had the right to see healthy relationships modeled for her. I also informed her that I was allowed to be happy, and being unhappy for the rest of my life because of HER principles was certainly not in my best interest.
    It's rough, but worth it.
    I would just like to say, my husband (who's name is Brian, too!) is wonderful, and treats me well, and I have NO guilt about kicking that assholes to the curb.
    Happiness is NOT over rated.
    Good Luck! And, again.. MANY HUGS.
    You are loved.

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  5. Angie, I am so very sorry you and your boyz are going through this. I had no idea. Please let us, your blogging friends, know how we can support you. I second what Suburban Correspondent said--you were wise to recognize what you did when you did. I am glad you have the love of Brian to get you through this.

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  6. You ARE fine. You are lovable and loved. I'm so glad that Brian found a way to speak to you today.

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  7. I am so very sorry you are going through this. I do know that when you have been loved as Brian loved you that you are willing to trust, since that is all you know. I am so very sorry you were not loved in the same way again. BUT you will, God has a great plan for you and your boyz lives!!! I pray for healing for you all!!! God bless you sweet one!!!!

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  8. This is really wonderful that you were able to find comfort from this. You are a wonderful person and this is just a test of wills in the long road of life. Thank you for sharing this wonderful and inspirational story with us. I hope that you can find everything that you are searching for.

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